Log in

No account? Create an account
May 2009
Sun, May. 31st, 2009 12:26 am
I hardly ever write here anymore but I am doing great! I cant be happier. Life is rockin right now and I love it! I have a great place in Natomas, anjob and ppl who kick ass there and the love of the best man on the entire planet.He's sexy, smart, funny, giving, loving,fair and all mine!!! He loves me for who I am not what he can make me. Thank you to whoever sent him my way!!!!

Current Mood: loved loved


Sun, Jul. 6th, 2008 07:36 pm
Nostalgia is a a real pain. I went through some of my boxes this week trying to purge some of my stuff that has stockpiled over the years, and it was an interesting walk down memory lane. I found pics of people I had been friends with and now I am not, and pics of people that I have always been friends with. Some memories made me laugh, some made me miss people,and some made me upset. Some of the pics like of game made me smile, seeing people having fun or people who are no longer here and remembering the fun times we had. others, like ones of Loren,Mhari, or Lori made me sad. I used to share alot of laughs with them and saw that in the pics and now things are different. At the time I didn't think this would be the way it would be but thats just how it ended up. Things are always changin and we don't always like the way they turn out.

Alot of thoughts and emotions are floating through my head. I know it's going through the boxes that brought it all up and that I will make myself drag myself out of the fog here in a bit because it doesn't help me any to dwell on it. But from time to time it churns up and I drift off in memories. It is just what I do. But I am trying to get better at not letting myself stay there and swim in them. Hard to forget your past and the times and people who were a part of you figuring out who you are. Some people are gonna be with you even if it hurts and even if it's in a memory. But enough for tonite. I have sifted through my past enough for one day. Time to put that box in storage and leave it be. Time to remind myself what is here and now and go hug my boy and go color with my belle and play my little ponies. Promised I would.

Current Mood: nostalgic nostalgic


Sat, May. 31st, 2008 01:11 am

Iam super goober hear me roar!!.....rawr... LOL!! I know I am a weirdo, but hey I am a happy weirdo!!

Current Mood: awake awake
Current Music: Take a bow- Rihanna


Thu, May. 29th, 2008 02:21 am

so things are going great, I am enjoying work and am losing even more weight because of the job. Hey I get paid to play with power tools all day and hit shit with a hammer. I have fun. Anyways, all is good in my lil bubble. Andrew. Trish Dale,Ray and I all went to the Jazz Jubilee on sunday and had a blast. I am looking forward to a San Fran trip here soon. Dale and I cant wait to go run around and have fun. :)

Other than work and home,things are going good. Got a fun job, got a great guy to hang with and I am happy. Also cant wait to go see dales parents in AZ again, in Nov. Hope everyone is doing good and having a good week.

Current Location: desk
Current Mood: gooberish
Current Music: tv


Sun, Apr. 27th, 2008 04:45 am

Life is GREAT!!!! I am the happiest I have been in years. I am happy, secure, and happy with me. It's like I finally figured out what the last few years of struggle have been for. Everything happens for a reason huh? Anyways i am at a personal best and couldnt be happier!


Fri, Feb. 22nd, 2008 05:30 am


Fri, Feb. 22nd, 2008 05:06 am

Well going by the previous post clear back in October, I have found where my limitations on life took me. They took me to ending a nearly 6 year long relationship, moving out of my apartment, losing 10 pounds, and making newdiscoveries about me and finding some lost ones. This journey cause lets face it that's what it feels like to me started about a week before Thanksgiving and continues on. So far so good... for the most part. Ending things with Loren hurt like hell but at least we could do it without tearing each other apart. We still talkand stuff and we are trying to be friends, so far its good, hard but good.But I was right things were changin.

Now it's pretty much me gettin my stuff straight. Re-invention in a way. I am in a helthy place though and have great support from friends as well as family. So thats my update for right now. Catch up more with ya laters. I am mainly on myspace because thats where all the family and stuff are. i have most ppl on here on there too.

Current Mood: hopeful hopeful


Tue, Oct. 16th, 2007 06:30 am

Ever had a moment where you just wanna jump on top of a mountain and just scream? or just shake the shit out of someone when you get the urge? Or spend an entire day telling people the complete truth even if it hurt? I have recently gotten to that point. I think I have just hit a personal limit on life. I guess I am just tired of telling people what they want to hear or sugarcoating crap, maybe its a need for life to be simpler. I am not quite sure. But lately things have just seemed so fake and silly that I find myself laughing. Laughing at myself and at others. When did my life get this way? Did I blink and miss it happening? I havent been able to sleep good in 3 weeks and I find when I am alone at 6 am and have time to just think that this is where my thoughts go. I find myself sitting on my couch just pondering. Dangerous actions, pondering. Leaves you open to all kinds of self discovery, even to things you might no want to admit to anyone. I am wondering where this new found feeling will take me. Me without a filter I am not sure the world is ready for that. This should be interesting, painful and revealing all in the same breath. Its been a long time since I could be flat out blunt and honest in the open.

Current Mood: indescribable indescribable


Thu, Oct. 4th, 2007 04:52 pm

So here it is the month that holds my favorite holiday. Yay! I have not made plans yet but I will have fun on Halloween. I haven't made any decisions yet on what I want my costume to be. Any suggestions? Oh well thats whats up with me right now. I know I am completely boring and lame :)


Sun, Sep. 2nd, 2007 06:23 pm

I don't know why, but recently I started thinking about 3 women I used to call friends. Call it an emotional brain fart or whatever but for some damn reason I got thinking about all three and why we no longer talk and all the pain and anger I felt about that. I loved all three and for some damn painful reason I still care. Why else would I still feel the way I do and why would I still hope the best for them if I didn't care.

It might have something to do with the fact that all three talked shit behind my back instead of to me, or that they made me feel like a horrible monster of a friend, or that they never once gave me a logical reason for their hurtful behavior in the end.

I tried to be the best friend I could be, even when I was going through my own shit, granted it might not have been as bad as theirs all the time but to me it was bad. I helped clean houses,talk for hours at a time about their problems, go out with them when they needed a girlfriend, go to a doctor's appt, watch a child, Help in a delivery room, let them cry on my shoulder, let them vent, etc. I tried to be supportive and tried to be honest. Granted I may not have liked every idea or agreed to every decision, but a true friend does that. At least that's what I thought a true friend does. They said they were there for me as friends and said I could come to them with anything. I thought that was what we would all do for each other.But in the end it came down to who was right and who was wrong. These women say that I tore their lives apart. How? By having an argument here or there. For not always agreeing to every choice they made? They make me out to be this monster of a friend to everyone new they meet and even try to convince people I know that I am a horrible person. They have blasted me behind my back and on the internet, and never once admitted that they had a hand in our fallouts. Like I just came in one day and flipped out and screamed at them that I did not want to be friends anymore. I am not that melodramatic. Hell at that time I was so passive it was pathetic.

I know I should just let it all go, it's done and over with, but I can't and I figured out why. Because I never got to have a say in all of this drama, one women just pushed me till I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her, another just bailed out entirely just to turn around and talk shit and that's how I found out we even had a problem, and the last, just hurt me so many times with her judgments that I tried to tell her she was being way too aggressive and she blew up and we haven't talked since really.

I was pissed as all hell now I am just irritated that I never stood up and said anything. I just dropped it all because i didn't want to fight. My self- esteem was down so low that I didn't have it in me to fight any more. Now I am healthier and stronger and It's bugging me. I want to tell them that I was a damn good friend to them, and that I listened well to them. And yeah you bet i didn't always agree with them. But I thought they wanted a true friend not someone who would just agree with everything they said and someone to just kiss their butts all day. To have you three talk about me the way you did was beyond hurtful. I never treated you like you were second class citizens. I was one of many who were telling you that you were worth a damn after others had torn you down. To be portrayed as a tyrant and a heartless bitch is bullshit and you know it. I defended you when others called you names, told others to cut you slack when others didn't understand that you were stressed out due to a rigorous school load combined with working at a group home or School combined with family life, or extreme pain and the duties of being a mom and a wife. I tried to do my best to help you, because I loved you and I believed in you and you were my friends. Better than that you were like family.

And then I get to hear from others later down the road all the things you never had the courage to say to my face and how hurtful they were. It hurt so much to realize that when I was still watching your daughter, or listening to your plights or hanging out with you when your boyfriend was out of town, you were feeling this way and talking bad about me behind my back while smiling at my face. I have never had the chance to tell you how angry I was inside at hearing all this. I listened as you all bitched about how you hated people like that. Why? You didn't seem to have a problem badmouthing me. You know what the funny thing was? I was still defending you all at the time i started hearing all this. Trust me I felt pretty stupid at that point.

To this day I still do not understand why you three felt you could not tell me that I was a shitty friend to you, you never had a problem telling anyone else off. You had no problem telling me how great I was, how special to you I was, how much I helped you, and all that. Were they lies? was our whole "friendship" a lie? Did you feel sorry for me was that it? I dont understand how you three could tell me one thing and then make me sound so horrible to others. You would tell others I was a liar and that you didnt trust me and than ask me for a favor a week later. I do not get that. You tell others that I made you feel weak, and small and that I criticized you all the time or that I forgot your birthday and tried to put your job in jepordy, and yet you would see me and be all nice.I did't go blabbing all over town how awful you were to me, and I did not go blabbing all your secrets all over town like you seem to think I did. You three have no idea how much I had to go through in the aftermath of all this. You wanted me to suffer well guess what I will give you the satisfaction of knowing I did. I did suffer, I cried and raged. I let it eat me up. And then I had some great people help me pick up the pieces, and I got better. I had been beating myself up thinking that what you thought of me should matter and that the lies told were truth. Then I came to grips, that I had tried my best and my best was not good enough. That just means that I was not what you three needed. That happens at times. You learn from it and you move on. And for the most part I had all the steps down except this one. I never got to say how I felt on the matter. I was pretty angry and did not know how to express how I felt without just raging so it has taken me quite some time to get it understandable.

But in all honesty I want to thank you three, If i hadn't gone through the pain I did with all this I wouldn't have had the anger and desire to never let this happen to me again. I have better relationships with my friends and even my family. I realized I was a doormat and that I didn't want to be that anymore. I am starting to be an even better me, and i realized through some really great friends and my sister, that I always was a great person, I just put too much faith in what others thought of me and let it rule my life.

I wish you three the best, I know that its not going to feel like I am because of this rant if you read it, And yes I understand that this is the past for you but it was never resolved for me. I never got a chance to tell you how all this made me feel. I can finally close this chapter for me and move on.

Current Mood: nervous nervous